Over the past few weeks, we’ve been exploring practical ways we can reduce unhealthy conflict in our workplaces, families, and communities.
Saying “You’re right” more often is another simple practice that can help.
Not every unhealthy conflict begins with one big argument. Sometimes it grows from a lot of little disagreements repeated day after day.
THE UNCONSCIOUS HABIT OF GOTCHA LISTENING
Recently, I was coaching a couple when the wife mentioned a mutual friend and said she had lunch with her five times during the previous year.
How many times they had lunch had nothing to do with the point of her story. But her husband immediately corrected her. “It wasn't five times. It was more like three.”
What followed was a low-grade disagreement over whether it was three or five times. But the exact number really didn't matter. Instead of listening for the meaning of her story, her husband heard a detail he believed was wrong and corrected it.
I call that Gotcha Listening.
Over time, many of us develop the habit of listening for the little mistakes, inaccurate details, or questionable facts in what other people say. Instead of listening for where the other person is right, we start listening for what we think needs to be corrected. In effect, we're saying: “Gotcha. You're wrong. I'm right.”
Most of us don’t consciously decide to do it. We hear something that doesn't match our memory or understanding, and we automatically want to correct it.
THE GOTCHA POLICE DEPARTMENT
One unnecessary correction won’t damage a good relationship. But what happens when Gotcha Listening becomes a regular part of our conversations? Before long, everyone can become part of the Gotcha Police Department, constantly monitoring each other's words for something we think is wrong.
Small corrections can create small irritations. Repeated often enough, those irritations can create defensiveness, resentment and damage our relationships. Eventually, people can find themselves in a much bigger conflict without realizing how many small interactions helped create it. It happens in our workplaces, families, friendships, and communities.
WE CAN CHANGE WHAT WE'RE LISTENING FOR
The good news is that listening is a skill. And we can practice listening for something different.
Instead of listening for the little detail someone got wrong, we can listen for the meaning of what they're trying to communicate.
We can learn to ask ourselves:
“What does this person want me to understand?”
“Does the detail I want to correct really matter?”
“What are they right about?”
“Where do we have common ground?”
And when we find something, we agree with, we can practice saying more often…“You're right” and explain why.
“You're right. I should have talked with you sooner.”
“You're right. I hadn't thought about it from that point of view.”
“You're right. We both want the same result. We just see different ways of getting there.”
Explaining why lets the other person know: I heard you. I thought about what you said. Your point of view matters to me. We have some common ground.
Even during a difficult disagreement, there is usually something we can say to show we agree with some part of their point of view.
PRACTICE CATCHING PEOPLE SAYING SOMETHING RIGHT
We don’t have to wait for our next difficult conversation to practice.
When a coworker shares a good idea, we can say, “You're right,” and explain why. When a family member notices something, we've overlooked, we can acknowledge we agree with their observation. When a friend or neighbor offers a different perspective, we can begin our response by saying something we like about their opinion. Every conversation gives us an opportunity to train ourselves to listen for what's right instead of what's wrong.
We become better at what we practice. If we practice looking for what's wrong, we'll become very good at finding mistakes and trying to prove we’re right. But if we practice looking for where the other person is right, we'll become better at finding common ground and bringing out the best in the people around us.
Imagine what could happen to the quality of our conversations and relationships if each of us spent a little less time saying: “Gotcha. You're wrong.” And a little more time saying: “You're right. And here's why.”
We don't have to eliminate every disagreement to reduce unhealthy conflict, but we can start eliminating some of the disagreements that never needed to happen in the first place.
Let's Get Better. Together.
Bill Durkin, Founder
One Positive Place
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