Updated: Sep 2
Successful professionals in any field, value preparation and practice with a coach or mentor.
Attorneys prepare before entering the courtroom. Doctors spend years learning and practicing before treating patients independently. Musicians rehearse. Pilots train in simulators.
Professional athletes don't simply show up on game day and hope they'll perform well. They spend hours studying film, receiving feedback, and working on the fundamentals of their game.
Why? Because no matter how good they become, they want and need to get better.
Small Improvements. Big Gains.
I think we should follow this example when it comes to one of the most important things leaders do every day: have conversations that influence other people.
Leaders give feedback, coach, solve problems, resolve disagreements, communicate difficult decisions, and try to inspire others to take positive action.
We Don't Have a Knowledge Problem
Today, leaders have access to unlimited information on how to do those things.
We can read books and articles, listen to podcasts, watch TED Talks and videos, attend workshops, take online courses, and now ask artificial intelligence almost any question imaginable.
If we want to know how to give feedback, resolve conflicts, coach an employee, listen more effectively, and have a difficult conversation at work or with our family, we can find thousands of suggestions in seconds.
But knowing what to do and being able to do it well under pressure are two different things.
We know how to listen, but can we listen when someone strongly disagrees with us?
We know how to ask questions, but can we remain curious when we think we’re right?
We know we shouldn't become defensive, but can we stay calm when someone criticizes our point of view?
We know words can build someone up or tear them down, but can we choose words that encourage rather than discourage when emotions are high?
Knowledge matters. But no one ever learned to ride a bicycle by reading a book about balance. Developing a skill requires practice.
Positive Conversations Under Pressure
Too many leaders enter important, high-stakes conversations with little preparation and simply hope they'll say the right thing at the right time. Then, when the conversation doesn't go as well as they'd hoped, they often replay it, in their minds, for a long time after the interaction is over.
"I wish I hadn't said that. I should have listened longer.
Why wouldn't they listen to me? Why did they get so defensive?"
Sound familiar?
When we replay a difficult conversation, our self-talk often moves back and forth between criticizing ourselves and blaming the other person. The longer we replay it, the easier it is to focus on what went wrong rather than what we can do better next time.
If more leaders prepared and practiced before their most important conversations, imagine how many employees would leave those conversations feeling more valued, confident, and engaged.
A Simple Three-Step Process
Getting better at having important conversations doesn't have to be complicated.
Here's a simple three-step process:
Step One: Prepare and Practice with a Coach
Before the coaching session, you identify an important conversation you have coming up. You think about what needs to happen for the conversation to go well and for the relationship to become stronger.
Then you practice the conversation with your coach through a short role-play of the conversation you plan to have sometime soon. This gives you an opportunity to practice connecting and finding common ground, listening instead of immediately responding, asking better questions to discover what the other person values, and speaking in a way that makes it easier for them to really listen to what you have to say.
You can also anticipate areas of disagreement and practice resolving conflicts in a positive way.
Step Two: Have the Conversation
You conduct the real conversation while the preparation and practice are still fresh.
Meaningful conversations are unpredictable, so the real conversation probably won't go exactly as planned. The goal of the preparation and practice is to help you enter the conversation with greater confidence, stay focused on what matters, and respond more effectively when the unexpected happens.
Step Three: Reflect and Improve
After the conversation, you reconnect with your conversation coach to reflect on what went well, what you learned, and what you will do differently next time.
You'll also receive additional feedback from your coach and identify one or two improvements you can practice in future conversations.
What Important Conversations Are Coming Up in Your Organization?
Maybe you or one of your leaders needs to give someone honest feedback. Address a performance problem. Resolve a disagreement. Communicate a difficult decision. Repair a strained relationship. Or have a difficult conversation that's been avoided.
Whatever the situation, you can prepare, practice, and get better.
That's why I'm introducing Positive Conversations Practice, a just-in-time approach that gives leaders access to a conversation coach when an important conversation comes up.
If you’re interested in learning more about this process, use my calendar link to schedule a time that works for you or simply email me - billdurkin@opp-usa.com - with a few options you're available to talk.
Let's Get Better. Together.
Bill Durkin, Founder
One Positive Place
What Leaders Say About Working with Bill
“Working with Bill has been one of the most impactful experiences of my leadership career. His coaching style is grounded in authenticity, commitment and positivity. What sets Bill apart is his ability to see potential in ALL people, even before they see it in themselves, and to motivate them with clarity, compassion, and purpose. Anyone fortunate enough to learn from Bill will walk away not only more capable, but more motivated to lead with courage, integrity, and optimism. You WILL succeed at bringing out the best in people!”
Yvonne M. Wilke
Director, ENT of Wisconsin
“Bill Durkin's approach to building positive relationships and a mutually supportive work environment has been transformative to our 85-member healthcare business. His help via both group and individual coaching has resulted in a happier staff, a marked reduction in turnover, measurable increased productivity, and a newly earned reputation in our region as being an employer of excellence.”
Larry Burton, MD
Partner, ENT of Wisconsin
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