Last week, I began a September series on Reducing Unhealthy Conflict with a simple idea:
Handling disagreements and conflict in a healthy way is a skill, and like every skill, we can get better with practice.
This week, let's practice becoming more forgiving.
We all have people to forgive. A coworker who disappointed us. A friend who said something hurtful. A family member who let us down. Someone who made a mistake that had a negative impact on us. And sometimes, the person we need to forgive is ourselves.
Forgiveness isn't always easy. But learning to become more forgiving may be one of the most important things we can do for our long-term health and happiness.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS AND ISN'T
Forgiveness is making a conscious choice to begin letting go of the anger and resentment we continue to carry, after someone has hurt or disappointed us.
Forgiveness does not mean accepting what happened. It doesn't mean forgetting the problem, excusing bad behavior, automatically trusting someone again, or allowing someone to continue treating us poorly. And forgiveness doesn't eliminate accountability.
Forgiveness helps us spend less time thinking about what went wrong yesterday and more time creating something positive today.
FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT WE GIVE OURSELVES
Research suggests that becoming more forgiving can contribute to greater happiness, better emotional well-being, healthier relationships, and a better quality of life.
When we hold onto a grievance, the other person may have moved on, but we're still dealing with the negative emotions. We replay the conversation. We relive the disappointment. We tell someone else the story, and each time we think about what the other person did or didn't do, we may experience some of the anger and hurt all over again. We can even become angry with ourselves for what we did or didn't do.
None of those thoughts can change what happened in the past or make the future any better.
Forgiveness gives us an opportunity to give more of our mental and emotional energy to the people, relationships, and opportunities in front of us. That's why forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.
BE A GOOD EXAMPLE
Forgiveness is something we practice for ourselves, but our example can influence others. The people around us notice how we respond when someone disappoints us, makes a mistake, or lets us down.
What do they see? Do we hold grudges, criticize people when they're not in the room, bring up old mistakes, or continually remind people of what they did wrong? Or do they see someone who can have a difficult conversation, address the problem, hold people accountable, and still forgive?
The way we respond to other people's mistakes gives them an example of how to respond to theirs.
PRACTICE TODAY
We don't have to wait for a major hurt to practice forgiveness.
Forgive the driver who cuts you off. Forgive the coworker who forgets something. Forgive the friend who doesn't agree with your point of view. Forgive the family member who says something that irritates you. And practice forgiving yourself when you don't live up to your own expectations.
By the way, the other person doesn't have to deserve your forgiveness. They don't even have to know you're forgiving them.
IT TAKES STRENGTH TO FORGIVE
If something needs to be addressed, forgiveness doesn't mean remaining silent. We can forgive someone and still have a positive conversation about what needs to change.
In fact, one of the best ways to move beyond a problem from the past is to make a clear request about what we want in the future.
I wrote more about making requests and asking for promises in The Cure for Artificial Harmony. Click the link if you'd like to learn more about that process.
This week, look for opportunities every day to practice being more forgiving.
Practice creates improvement. And becoming more forgiving can improve the quality of our lives and bring out the best in everyone around us.
Let's Get Better. Together.
Bill Durkin, Founder
One Positive Place
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