In our hearts, the hierarchy of what we value is completely clear. To a parent, their children are the center of their universe. To a leader, the people on their team make every success possible. To an organization, customers are the reason the business exists. We carry a genuine sense of love, appreciation, and gratitude for the people who matter most to us.

Because those feelings are so real inside of us, we naturally assume they are obvious to everyone else. But here's the problem. There is often a gap between what we feel and what the people around us experience.

Intent vs. Impact

Psychologists call this the Illusion of Transparency…our tendency to believe the people around us already know what we're thinking and feeling. Because we know our own intentions, we naturally assume they're obvious to everyone else. But they're not. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson captured this truth years ago when he wrote: "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." Today we might take that one step further.

People cannot hear what’s in our hearts. They can only experience our behavior. As a result, while we judge ourselves by our intentions, others judge us by our actions.

No matter how deeply we care about our family, our friends, our team, or our customers, they experience our care only when we express it through our words, our attention, and our actions. Mattering isn't simply a feeling we have. It's an experience we create for someone else.

Every meaningful relationship we have is strengthened or weakened by the answer to the question… 

“Do I matter to you?”

Jennifer Wallace, in her outstanding book Mattering, argues that one of our deepest human needs is to know that we matter and that we are adding value to others.

People who feel appreciated but never have an opportunity to contribute eventually feel underutilized. People who contribute but never feel appreciated eventually feel invisible.

When both needs are met, people become more confident, more resilient, more engaged, and more willing to invest themselves in their work, their families, and their communities.

The Cost of Feeling Invisible

Unfortunately, many people are quietly asking themselves: Do I really matter today?

Clinical psychologist Dr. Gordon Flett, author of The Psychology of Mattering, warns that when people consistently feel invisible or insignificant, they don't simply become less productive. They often withdraw emotionally, lose confidence, isolate themselves, or become defensive to protect themselves from the pain of feeling unimportant.

The workplace reflects this reality.

Research highlighted by Dr. Zach Mercurio in The Power of Mattering found that only about four out of ten employees strongly believe someone at work shows they care about them as a person.

The U.S. Surgeon General reached a similar conclusion in the Framework for Workplace Mental Health and Well-Being, identifying mattering at work as one of the essential elements of a healthy workplace. When people don't feel seen, valued, or connected, stress increases, mental health declines, and engagement suffers.

The Solution: Turning Intent into Impact

The breakthrough requires shifting from passive feelings to active, intentional broadcasting. Sincere connection cannot be faked with superficial tactics or empty platitudes like "Good job!" To bridge the gap between our heart and their reality put these three ideas into action:

Practice Being Present: The next time a colleague, child, or partner speaks to you, let them see you physically turn your phone face down or close your laptop lid mid-sentence. Give them 100% uninterrupted physical presence. Let them know that they have the power to command your attention.

Move from Flattery to Impact: Move beyond generic praise. If you appreciate someone, explicitly connect their unique strength to a tangible human outcome. Replace "Thanks for the help" with: "The patience you showed when explaining that problem to the customers completely de-escalated a stressful situation. Your expertise helped the customer understand the real issue and feel valued today."

Recognize the Mattering Instinct: Understand that the people around us are running subconscious "self judgements" to verify their worth. If you don't actively show them, they are valued, they will begin to feel insignificant. They cannot read our heart. They can only read our calendar, our eye contact, and our actions.

Our Challenge

At the end of the day, the people around us don't need perfect leaders or flawless parents. They need people who make them feel seen, valued, and needed. Because when people know they matter, they become more confident, more resilient, more willing to contribute, and more likely to help others feel they matter too.

Let's make sure the people in our lives never have to guess how we feel. Let's always help them know: "You matter to me."

Let's Get Better Together,

Bill Durkin, Founder

One Positive Place

https://www.opp-usa.com