The urge comes instantly. A team member walks into our office with a problem. A family member calls and complains about something. A friend shares a medical challenge. Before they finish their first couple sentences, and often before they've even asked for our advice, our brain has already produced solutions to their problem.

We give advice because we care. We want to help. We want to reduce another person's stress, solve their problem quickly, and make life a little easier.

Good advice is extremely valuable. It can change lives. The wisdom of our parents, teachers, coaches, managers, and friends has helped us avoid mistakes, see new possibilities, and become better at what we do.

Advice isn't the problem. The issue is when and how we give it.

Behavioral science suggests that when we rush to offer solutions, we may unintentionally shut down the other person's thinking and sometimes we offer simple answers to complex problems we don't completely understand.

Advice is better at the end of a conversation

When we try to solve another person's problem too quickly, we unintentionally change the nature of the conversation. Instead of exploring their thinking, we begin directing it. Instead of helping them discover a solution, we begin replacing their thoughts with our own. But people rarely grow when someone else does most of the thinking for them.

Lasting change is more likely when people discover their own solutions. We are more convinced by conclusions we reach by ourselves than by ideas that are handed to us.

Have you ever offered excellent advice, only to watch the conversation lose energy? Instead of exploring your idea, the other person passively agrees with you but then does nothing or starts explaining why your suggestion won't work. What began as an attempt to help quietly turns into a debate. Not because your advice was bad. But because it arrived before the other person was ready to receive it.

Becoming a Thinking Partner

A thinking partner is someone who helps you think through a challenge instead of immediately trying to solve it for you. A thinking partner listens deeply, asks thoughtful questions, challenges assumptions with respect, encourages reflection, and helps people discover possibilities they might never have considered on their own. Rather than taking ownership of another person's problem, they help the other person become more capable of solving it.

Nancy Kline, creator of the Thinking Environment, believes, "The first job of a leader is to create an environment in which people can think for themselves." She also reminds us that "There is no such thing as just listening. Listening is an act of creation." When we listen with genuine curiosity, without interrupting or rushing to solve the problem, we create the conditions for clearer thinking, greater ownership, and better decisions.

A thinking partner doesn't feel responsible for having all the answers. They ask open-ended questions that require the other person to slow down and think of things they haven’t thought of before. They encourage other people to organize their thoughts, examine assumptions, identify limiting beliefs, and discover new possibilities. 

More Questions. Fewer Statements.

Even when it's time to share our experience, we need to resist the urge to jump straight to our conclusion. Instead, it’s helpful for us to continue to ask thought-provoking questions that help the other person see possibilities they may have overlooked.

For example:

Instead of saying, "You should apologize." Ask, "How would you and the other person benefit if you apologized first?"

Instead of saying, "You should delegate that task to your project manager. "Ask, "Which parts of this project could someone else handle successfully?"

Instead of saying, "You need to talk with the operations manager about that problem." Ask, "What are the advantages of talking to the operations manager this week?"

The purpose of the questions isn't to hide our advice. It's to unlock another person's thinking so they consider options they haven’t thought of before and inspire them to put those innovative ideas into action. 

A genuine thinking partner asks questions because they're interested in helping the other person think more clearly, not because they're trying to steer them toward a predetermined answer.

In a World Full of Answers

We live in an age where information has never been more accessible. Anyone with a smartphone can find thousands of articles, videos, podcasts, or AI-generated answers on almost any subject in seconds. Answers have become abundant. Thoughtful thinking has become increasingly rare.

People don't need another source of information. They need more thinking partners.

A Different Kind of Conversation

The conversations people remember most are rarely the ones where someone told them exactly what to do. The conversations that made them feel heard are the most memorable. When a thoughtful question helped them see a possibility they hadn't considered. When they left believing they could solve today's problem, and were more capable of handling the challenges of tomorrow.

One of our highest priorities as a leader, family member, and friend, is to develop the skill and will to listen longer, ask thought-provoking questions, and help the people around us think more clearly before offering our advice.

Those are the conversations that will bring out the best in everyone.

Let's Get Better Together,

Bill Durkin, Founder

One Positive Place

https://www.opp-usa.com