- Apr 29
- 3 min read
How do you respond when a co-worker, customer, family member, or friend tells you about something good that just happened to them?
The answer to that question matters more than most people realize.
Research by Shelly Gable, a leading expert in relationships and emotions, shows that when people share good news, the response they receive can matter just as much, and in some cases even more, than the positive emotions created by the event itself.
Gable calls this process capitalization—the act of sharing a positive experience with someone else and having their response increase the positive emotion.
She also found when someone shares good news, they’re not just telling us what happened… They’re inviting us into their experience. And how we respond answers an important question: “Does what matters to me matter to you?”
Unfortunately, her research discovered that most of us respond to another person’s good news in ways that slowly weakens our relationships instead of strengthening them.
Why We Miss the Opportunity
It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that leaders and parents are good at:
Fixing problems
Improving results
Finding what might be wrong
Those are valuable skills. But when overused they come with a hidden cost. They train us to pay more attention to bad news than good news. This habit can unintentionally turn an opportunity for celebration into an evaluation.
Four Ways We Respond to Good News
Gable’s research shows that people naturally use four types of responses when hearing good news. The first three can damage our relationships. The fourth is the only one that can strengthen our relationships.
Passive–Destructive…Ignores or dismisses the good news.
Active–Destructive…Points out problems, risks, or downsides.
Passive–Constructive…Acknowledges the good news with low energy/interest.
Active–Constructive…Responds with enthusiasm, interest, and curiosity
Let’s look at an example in the workplace. Same Good news. Four different responses. Four completely different outcomes.
A team member says:
“I just closed that deal I’ve been working on for three months.”
Passive–Destructive… “It’s about time!”
Active–Destructive… “Okay, but did you have to discount to the price to close it?”
Passive–Constructive… “That’s good. Nice job.”
Active–Constructive… “That’s fantastic! Congratulations! I know how much work you put into that. What do you think made the difference?
If you want to get better at giving Active-Constructive responses when someone shares good news, it starts with the questions you ask.
There’s no single “right” question. But there are questions that help people feel heard, valued, and encouraged.
Here are ten examples to spark your thinking…not a script, but a starting point.
Ten Good News Questions to Ask:
What was the best part of your experience?
What did you do that made that happen?
What made the biggest difference?
How did that feel?
What are you most proud of?
Who helped you along the way?
What did this mean to you?
What did you learn about yourself?
Who else are you excited to share this with?
What else is important for me to know?
Ten Good News Questions to Avoid:
These questions can be helpful later, but when asked too early the questions start a different conversation and the good news doesn’t grow.
What’s next?
What could go wrong?
Was it hard?
Why did it take so long?
Are you sure it will last?
What problems will this create?
Is that the best you could do?
What still needs to happen?
How does that compare to others?
Will you be disappointed if you fail next time?
The Good News Experiment
For the next 7 days, try a simple experiment.
If someone shares good news with you…help them relive the positive emotions associated with whatever good thing they did by accentuating and amplifying their story.
And since most people aren’t in the habit of sharing good news yet…Take the initiative this week. Ask the people around you: “What’s something you’ve been doing well?” Then ask several follow-up questions. Show genuine interest. Be curious. Encourage them to go into detail.
By the end of the week, you’ll start to notice something.
Your conversations will feel different and your relationships will get a little stronger.
Because the good news about good news is this:
positive emotions and relationships grow stronger the more we talk about good news, and those conversations will inspire the people we work with, live with, and serve to create more good news to share.
Let's Get Better Together,
Bill Durkin, Founder
One Positive Place
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